Understanding The Psychology of Perfectionism
You’re successful. You’re capable. You’re probably the person other people count on to get things done.
And yet… Your life sort of feels like a stack of cards that’s always about to teeter over.
Your list of to-dos is massive, and everything on it feels super high-stakes. Maybe you rewrite the email six times before sending it, struggle to delegate because you know you could do it better yourself, can’t relax when there’s still something on your to-do list, or procrastinate on something you genuinely care about because you’re not sure you can do it well enough.
If you’ve ever wondered why perfectionism runs your life, the answer usually isn’t that you’re simply too demanding of yourself. As a recovered perfectionist and a coach who helps women entrepreneurs untangle their own perfectionism, I know it’s not usually a high standards problem. Instead, it’s usually an anxiety/avoidance loop problem.
Where Perfectionism Comes From
A lot of what my clients and I talk about is why perfectionism feels out of control, why it’s also helpful, and how to change their relationship with it so it stops taking up their whole life. (I just recorded an in-depth podcast episode on Thoughts From The Couch about all this – you can listen here.)
There are lots of possible reasons perfectionism was instilled in you: love from caretakers being conditional on achievement when you were young, cultural expectations, personality, a part of you that homed in on perfectionist traits and was unable to put it back down, and learned beliefs about how to avoid rejection or disappointment, to name a few. The common denominator among them all is that making mistakes or underperforming feel deeply dangerous.
Understanding the causes of your perfectionism is important, because it clues you into which unmet need(s) you’re trying to meet through perfectionism and which situation(s) you’re trying to avoid by being perfect.
The Psychology of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a self-reinforcing feedback loop. That means your thoughts, feelings, anxiety responses, and behaviors mesh together in cyclical patterns that get stronger and stronger the more you engage.
It starts with a thought that creates a barrage of anxiety or fear. Anxiety and fear are, as you know, extremely uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable, they attempt to wriggle out of the discomfort by doing something to manage it. Then you engage in a perfectionist behavior that temporarily reduces anxiety… which reinforces the idea that your sense of safety has become dependent on meeting that standard.
The psychology of perfectionism goes like this:
1. Thought:
Something along the lines of, “I need to get this exactly right.”
↓
2. Feeling:
Barrage of anxiety, pressure, and/or fear.
↓
3. Behavior:
Overwork
Procrastinate
Avoid launching
Avoid the networking event
Endlessly revise
Second-guess
Wait for more certainty
Avoid taking the risk
↓
4. Outcome:
You either don't do the thing, or you exhaust yourself doing it.
↓
5. Reinforced belief:
“Good thing I was careful. I managed not to expose myself, look incompetent, or be rejected.”
The next time you feel anxious about a thing, your brain snaps back to that same feedback loop. And then the cycle starts again.
High Standards vs. Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t inherently bad, despite what people tend to say. If you're making something exceptionally polished because the stakes genuinely warrant it, that's a healthy and normal behavior, even if it’s stressful while you’re doing it. Having high standards when it matters is a great skillset.
However, if you're making something exceptionally polished because you can't tolerate the feeling of uncertainty, exposure, judgment, or feeling like there’s more you could do, that's when perfectionism starts functioning like anxiety management.
And that’s where learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes with being visible, unfinished, or uncertain is a game-changer.
Support for Perfectionist Women Entrepreneurs
Perfectionism is sometimes equated with caring too much or having really high standards, but caring too much and having high standards aren’t usually the problems. The real issue is feeling like you have to get everything right in order to feel safe, successful, or good enough.
Lowering your standards isn’t a realistic or ideal solution. A better solution is learning when your high standards are actually useful, when anxiety is controlling how you show up, and how to tolerate the discomfort of being imperfect.
That’s the work I help women entrepreneurs do: untangle the perfectionism loop so they can build successful businesses without constantly overworking, second-guessing, or trying to control every outcome.
If you want to change your relationship with perfectionism, reach out for a free consultation.
Feeling successful but stretched thin? You don’t have to wait until you’re burned out to want things to feel easier.
The Balanced Boss is one-on-one coaching for women who want their success to feel steady, sustainable, and actually enjoyable.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Justine Carino
Justine is a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in White Plains, NY. She helps teenagers, young adults and families struggling with anxiety, depression, family conflict and relationship issues. Justine is also the host of the podcast Thoughts From the Couch.
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