Healing the Perfectionistic Part of Yourself: How IFS Helps You Find Relief From the Striver Inside You

Dec 22

Takeaway: If perfectionism has been tightening its grip on you lately, there’s usually a good reason. Women come into my office exhausted from keeping every ball in the air, trying to hit every mark, and feeling like one slip means everything might fall apart. I know that pressure well, and I also know the part of you driving it is trying to help, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Understanding the Striver Part of You

In my recent conversation with therapist Renee Litt, LMFT on the podcast, we talked about the subconscious perfectionistic part of ourselves through the lens of Internal Family Systems, or IFS. Instead of labeling perfectionism as a flaw, IFS treats it as a “striver part,” a part that picked up a job somewhere along the way and has worked overtime ever since.

This striver often formed during a moment that felt overwhelming or deeply emotional. I’ve seen clients trace it back to something as early as a spelling bee, a dance competition, a parent’s disappointment, or a time when keeping everything under control felt like the only way to stay safe. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. What matters is that this part took its role seriously and never stopped.

Why the Striver Feels So Loud

IFS teaches that our minds hold many parts, and some of them carry burdens that were never meant to be theirs. The striver steps up because it believes it must. It thinks that if you work harder, do better, over-prepare, and keep everything looking perfect, then maybe you won’t have to feel shame, embarrassment, or instability ever again.

The problem is that this part tries to protect you by taking over. It jumps into the driver’s seat, pushes your grounded self aside, and runs on pure urgency. And yes, it might get the job done, but it also leaves you drained, irritable, and disconnected from the calmer voice inside you.

A Different Way to Meet This Part

What struck me most in my conversation with Renee was the reminder that the striver isn’t something to eliminate. It’s a part to meet, understand, and soothe. When you slow down enough to notice when this part shows up, you begin to build the space you need to make choices from a steadier place.

IFS encourages you to check in with this part the way you’d check in with a child who’s overwhelmed. You offer curiosity instead of judgment. You ask what it's afraid will happen if it relaxes. You listen for the moments in your history when it first stepped in. And little by little, that space helps your grounded self come back to the front of the room.

A Calmer Way Forward

When perfectionism softens, even slightly, something shifts. You begin to feel more present instead of pressured. More connected instead of guarded. The striver doesn’t disappear, but it no longer has to work so hard to keep you safe. With support, it learns to step back, breathe, and trust that you can lead your own life with more steadiness than before.

Healing perfectionism is possible, and it starts with meeting the part of you that has been trying to protect you all along.

MEET THE AUTHOR

Justine Carino

Justine is a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in White Plains, NY. She helps teenagers, young adults and families struggling with anxiety, depression, family conflict and relationship issues. Justine is also the host of the podcast Thoughts From the Couch.

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Healing the Perfectionistic Part of Yourself: How IFS Helps You Find Relief From the Striver Inside You

Perfectionism often looks like motivation on the surface, but underneath it usually carries exhaustion, fear, and pressure that never fully turns off. In this piece, we explore perfectionism through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), where it’s understood not as a flaw, but as a protective “striver part” that stepped in during moments when control felt necessary for safety. Drawing from a conversation with therapist Renee Litt, LMFT, this article explains why the striver becomes so loud, how it takes over when we’re overwhelmed, and what happens when we meet it with curiosity instead of criticism. Healing perfectionism doesn’t mean eliminating this part—it means learning how to soothe it so you can lead your life from a calmer, more grounded place.

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